Some weeks are just chitty from the start. Normal Monday cascades into the "work week from hell", but is not just limited to work. Personal life and activities spiral down also. Well, this has been one of those weeks and it is only Thursday. Pray tell, what will the weekend bring?
I have the Holiday Blues, missing my mom dearly, aunts and good ole' time family functions. Things just are not the same. Large family turned tiny and lonely. Money can always be an issue if I let it bother me, but holidays are approaching and that is bothersome. And last but not least, work blues. Firing a coworker almost weekly, computers that refuse to cooperate and the daily grind. My father keeps his chit up and my aunt tells me to drop him.
I have been living in a false light lately, trying to streamline and simplify to gain happiness...and free time. So far, is it working? Not only no, but hell no. I actually thought, until today, that things in life were great and I was on the upside of the hill. I have been through so much, that I could not be surprised by things at this point. That is a stupid, stupid thing to think.
Since 1994 it has been a long journey for Pete and I. It sure was bumpy in the first couple of years. I came to terms with our relationship and how I would tuck that sorrow away. He was a stupid boy and did stupid things, so did I. I forgave, did not forget. That kind of past needs to be my reminder to be that better person in life. It has been my fuel. Little reminders here and there put me in prospective that life cannot and will not be perfect.
I could not let one person keep me upset, so I did what I had to do and it was awful. I was nasty, rude, said horrible things that I knew would sting, just so she would leave me alone. I do not have to be friends with everyone. If I am nice they take advantage of me. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...bull chit. My plan was to finally be gross and then that will be it. Or so I hope.
But a huge chunk of my ass was taken out last night! Holy crap did it hit the fan. Another secret surfaced out of the clear freakin' blue. My head is still spinning from that chit bomb. I do not know how to process that information. Do I tuck it away and use it a Diesel fuel? Or did water just put my fire out?
I feel so damaged. Just when the hurt doesn't feel quite that bad, I now feel that old wound. Thanks for throwing Salt in it Pete.
I don't want to go home. But I do want to crawl into my bed. 5 hours of sleep is not helping this situation. So here is my plan. I will go home and sleep and take tomorrow as another day. Ugg
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