July's Twilight Zone

I was just thinking to myself that July has been challenging to me this year. I have been faced with family challenges, work challenges, moral challenges and draining situations. I have questioned myself many times. Did I read more into that situation than I should have? Did I escalate the situation? Was it me that turned that into drama?

I was broadsided by information of the legal trouble my dad got himself into. I was forced to call out family members that I do not talk to normally. (They are not really a chit chat kind of family). This particular situation was like a Twilight episode. And I was more disgusted than concerned for my dad.

At work I was verbally attacked by my boss, in front of my daughter, while I was on the phone with a client, and while students were earshot away. I took the abuse and rolled with it. Cause I don't like to stir things up and it is easier to just drop my jaw and take it in the ---. Did I yell back at the crazy Bitch? Nope. Oh, and thanks for the public apology.

Did I escalate the situation with the crazy patient? Did my boss once again belittle me? Was there really that much of a threat of him coming in and going ape shit? Well the man owns a gun and has been known to bring in the gun and a knife. Of course it is not me. But Why?

Why has July been so God Aweful and crazed? Why was I the only one in the group of neighbors that was morally upset when Mary was violated. Beth was an uninvited guest in her home. She basically, in my opinion trespassed in her home and then had the nerve to chug a beer in front of her kids and tell us how awful Mary's house was and how she was going to turn her in for it. I was told to go see it for myself. Of course I did not. It is not our business. And then I just sat there silently while everyone agreed with her. Did they not realize that by doing that, Mary could have her children taken away from her? Did I say anything? NO. Why? I was screaming inside, but I made up a lame excuse and went to my house and shut my door. They live on high pedastils, those neighbors. So as my gut tore me up and my blood boiled, I called her to tell her that her backstabbing "friends" violated her and were conspiring against her. I wanted to WARN her. Give her the chance to fix it. How could they sleep at night?

She called friends and family and was cleaning away tonight and waived her vacuum wand and said "Dana, I am a hoser." She even smiled. But I ached inside to see her in her wheelchair working her heart out while the Neighbors sat like hens watching her clean. I even had the nerve to apologize to them because I could not just sit there and let them do that to her. They acted like it did not bother them that I told her and they offered to help her and blah, blah, blah.

I want real Friends, Real Family, and a Real Job. No fakes. When I go inside for the evening, I don't want to wonder what they are saying about me behind my back. When I go into work, I want to be treated seriously and have safety. I just want to help people put their lives back together. And I miss my lost family. I need to mend my ill thoughts of some and forgive and forget the others.

Less Drama and more fixing. Gotta fix Dana. Stop second guessing myself. Stand tall and grow a backbone. Stop worrying about what others have to say behind closed doors, but worry for the ones that need my help.

You know, my husband has been my saving grace. He would go to fight for me on these issues if I asked him. And for once, I really know he is listening to me.

Mom, you would be proud of him. Sorry you missed it.